I'm Drunk and Your OKCupid Sucks: Screw You, Pretty Boy

So I got an email from this guy asking me to review his OKCupid profile, and I really don't want to, because he's better looking than I am. But this is my calling, sisyphean as it may be, so I don't really have a choice in the matter.

PHOTOS, first of all:
Photos are good, if not particularly plentiful. You're smiling, you're doing stuff with people, and you're not illluminated by the glow of your computer monitor, so kudos.

On the other hand, you're way too good looking, so fuck you. It's not a thing you have to change, I'm just sayin'.

Jerkoff.

PROFILE

My Self-Summary:
I am tall as the dickens and quick as a jackrabbit. I work in a laboratory but I try hard not to do evil (on the premises). I liked to read books with a flashlight after dark and my eyesight suffered. Once I cut my nose shaving. I think science is pretty cool I guess.

Great, you're tall too. Thanks for rubbing it in, you son of a bitch.

The summary is a little short, to be honest. I know you're tall, sexy, and do sciency shit, but not much else. For your average girl, that might be enough, but you're blue-eyed, 6'2", and live in NY, so you're probably aiming a little higher than that, so I'd give us something more, something about what makes you unique, and not just a tall, really good-looking scientist, you bastard.

What I’m doing with my life:
Living it up in NYC, city so nice they named it twice: stumbling into dives on the weekends and then waking up on the subway halfway to Coney Island. Also working, socializing, or doing Yoga. Sometimes all at once. Mostly working on applications for grad school at the moment, which is pretty exciting.

I can't take issue with anything there. You sound like a pretty well-rounded, sociable, party-loving kind of dude. I hope you get punched in the face.

I’m really good at:
The usual man stuff-taking stuff off high shelves, stuck jars, fixing things that may not have been really broken in the first place. I usually do the dishes but I can make a number of excellent entrees and desserts. I'll occasionally notice when you've done something with your hair/shoes.

No, yeah, this is all solid stuff, with a subtle humor to it that gives the reader a taste of your personality. An ability to cook is dating gold, but I'm sure you know all about that, as you're probably sleeping under a blanket made entirely of live fashion models.

The first things people usually notice about me:
Tallish, and blue eyed which led to one reasonably memorable encounter: A probably crazy lady yelled at me, "YOU MAY HAVE BLUE EYES BUT THAT DOESN'T MAKE YOU BRAD PITT!" Pretty entertaining wait for the subway actually.

(And thats just like, your opinion lady.)

I love how the worst thing she could come up with was that you're not Brad Pitt. Yeah, that'll put you in your place. No, I can't think of any better putdowns. Yes, I hate you for it.

Yeah, the stuff you write there is just fine.

My favorite books, movies, music, and food:
I'll read anything I can on public transit including but not limited to The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao, The Corrections, Everything is Illuminated, Watchmen, The Name of The Rose (very fun read once you get past the first 80 pages or so), I really like Thomas Pynchon's stuff but I can't ever explain what's going on in them.

I like watching movies, I don't think I've ever left one in the middle but some of my recent or older favorites would be Alien, Sideways, Up, Oldboy, In Bruges, Drag Me To Hell, and The Wrestler.

Most of my music these days comes from listening to KEXP (91.3 in NY till 12, then I'll switch to NPR), Gogol Bordello is awesome and they do pretty much the most amazing live show I've ever seen except maybe for Radiohead. Also Airborne Toxic Event, Animal Coolective, The Bird and the Bee, Bon Iver, Elliott Brood, Firewater, Fleet Foxes, Balkan Beat Box, The Decemberists, Neutral Milk Hotel, and pretty much any alt/rock/pop/punk that tickles me.

Oh I've also got really into True Blood lately. It's like I've drawn a line in a sand right past that show and up to that line I think vampires are awesome, BUT NO FURTHER. I did the same thing with Buffy back in the day.

I think garlic bread and lasanga's pretty much the best possible meal but when I go out my favorite is Indian food. I do not know why this is the case. OH DANG I realized a little while back that all my tomato plants got the blight and it really sucks.

I'd love to tell you you're a wordy jerkoff and you put too much stuff there, but you explained your choices in a way that makes them way more interesting then just a wall of text bunch of bullshit lists, like most of the other idiots usually put there.

The six things I could never do without:
1. Floss, brushing can keep your breath smelling good but real dental hygiene takes more work then that.

2. Something to read, I've studied nutritional information on discarded soda cans at times though I may have been uh impaired.

3. Sunglasses to remove dramatically. Replace that with a scarf to flutter in the wind once it gets colder.

4. Oxygen

5. My family awwww

6. Yoga classes-I have an awesome studio and I can't seem to get up and do it on my own. Unless I'm drunk, at which point I get hilariously suggestible (Stand on my head? NO PROBLEM!)

Good. Some true stuff, some amusing, probably true stuff that's explained in a way that portrays you as a fun-loving sort of fellow in addition to tall and sexy. Keep it as is, as long as you don't mind that none of the other poor bastards in NYC are going to get laid now, because of you.

I spend a lot of time thinking about:
Graduate school! What are they, and where do they come from?

The possibility that I traveled back in time to ~1944 and joined the navy. Seriously! Well no actually not seriously, but there's this one bar that makes me wonder...

I...don't really know what that means, but it makes me want to go out with you so I can ask about it, so that's probably good.

On a typical Friday night I am:
Drinking, laughing, rocking out and wandering around usually in about that order. Occasionally I wake up in Coney Island and that is much less fun.

All good stuff. Die in a fire.

The most private thing I’m willing to admit here:
In my work to date I've killed roughly 2000+ mice. It's for a good cause but I feel guilty every time.

Holy balls. That's kind of a downer. Don't get me wrong, I hate mice; had two of them infesting my apartment once and I would have waterboarded their babies if that's what it took to stop them from eating my lentils and shitting behind the couch, but 2000+ mice still makes me go whoah, dang. I'd uh, save any mention of the Mouse Holocaust until after the first date at least.

You should message me if:
Well if you're in PETA we probably won't get along that well. Otherwise if you're into meandering occasionally pointless discussions, finding cool new places and getting blotto in them, drop us a line.

Other than probably needing your rodent murdering to explain the PETA comment, this is all perfectly cromulent stuff.

So go get 'em, tiger. Just leave some chicks for the rest of us, okay dude? Seriously, screw you. My only comfort is that I live 3000 miles away from you and I'm hung like the Disneyland Monorail, and I'm still a little depressed anyway.

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How about you, jerkoff? Got an OKCupid profile? Want me to tell you that it sucks, with a BAC well over the legal limit? Post a link to it in the comments or shoot me an email, and I'll get to it.

And here's all of my collected drunken love advice so far.

There is a Moral to this Story

A long time ago, when the world was new and Celine Dion was still big at school dances, I was up late at night with the guys, watching infomercials. There really is no adequate excuse for this, but it had been a long day of hitting things with swords and suggesting that John's mother was less than choosy about her sexual partners. Also nothing else was on.

So.

Nad's, man. Yeah, the hair removal stuff that sounds like it's named after a pair of balls. No, I'm not sure why we decided to order some, but between us all it was only $5 per person, so horrible decision or not, it was at least thrifty.

Seriously, I still do not recall what train of thought dropped us off at the Hair Removal Gel station. Maybe Kurt thought he could attract more girls with a smooth, hairless back. Maybe it sounded like more fun than Everquest to John. Maybe, just maybe, $5 a head was worth the price of admission to watch Nate scream like a girl and bleed.

My money's on that last one.

I'm Drunk and Your OkCupid Sucks: Poo Biscuit? What?

A plea for help from a man who calls himself Poobiscuit. What the hell, man:

Well, I've uploaded some new pictures (including those with other people!), so break open your booze and tell me what you think.

Pictures:
Immediate impression:
Your pictures are fucking TINY. Like, smaller than the profile page thumbnailed version. What the fuck, dude. My cellphone takes pictures bigger and clearer than those. Rectify that, asap. I can't even tell what your fuckin' face looks like. Also, I'm not sure most girls will respond well to The Shocker, once that picture is big enough that someone can actually recognize it. For the record, I love costume party pictures. It's nearly impossible to take a boring picture at a costume party, so fuckin' kudos on those.

I am the best, relaxed, and weird.

"Weird" is probably not an adjective you want to apply to yourself. "Weird" is the guy in the corner who eats paste, or the pudgy guy who insists on wearing an Indiana Jones hat everywhere. Don't ever be that fuckin' dude. Be something else.

My Self-Summary:
I just graduated from Northern Illinois University. Some of my favorite activities include sitting around, drinking, watching movies and/or TV, and playing the not study game. I also partake in sarcastically ripping on stuff, but in a joking and jovial manner. I get along with people with a great sense of humor.

I enjoy going to see rock shows, generally of the "small place featuring band no one's heard of" variety; any mosh pits are a plus. I'm a fan of going to some bars, though nothing that would be considered "upscale." Hell, what most would call "dives," I would call "Places of Interest." I prefer smaller, more intimate venues, where conversation can flow without the need to yell. I also like staying in, and enjoying beer and a movie, especially when it's cold out.

I'm looking for someone who enjoys hanging out, whether it be at home or out at a show. Also, it helps if they like beer; beer is awesome.

"Hanging out", isn't an activity. It's literally a lack of activity. Quadriplegics do it constantly. There's nothing wrong with it, but it's basically the most boring activity you could talk about engaging in. Ditto for "sitting around". "Watching tv/movies" isn't much better, as it's a passive activity rather than something that could tell us something about you. Might as well tell us about how much you like breathing and sleeping for all the good those will be doing you. Tell us all about your hobbies of maintaining your body's temperature and being subject to gravity.

Rock shows, on the other hand, are awesome and everyone who doesn't suck knows it. That middle paragraph is great. If you can expand on that, maybe with a few specifics, go crazy. Anyone who doesn't like live music is a stupid bitch and you don't need her anyway.

What I’m doing with my life:
Searching for jobs in an interactive marketing field. I'm sending out applications more or less daily, and hoping the economy stops sucking so I get hired.

I'm also trying not to have let the Cubs give me a heart attack, but I'm not optimistic on that front.

What I read: "Boo hoo, the economy is in the shitter and my favorite baseball team is a bunch of useless dildos."
Make the first bit a little less negative: "sending out applications daily to score a job in my field despite the economy", or some such. Make the shit job market an opportunity to show that you can be upbeat and ambitious despite difficult conditions. Everyone loves the plucky, hustling underdog, because he's got heart, and he's got balls.

Sorry your team fucking sucks. I'm sure she can sympathize on that front, so go ahead and leave it. Bond with her over your shared sports tragedy.

I’m really good at:
-making witty remarks; I love to pop a good zinger following good set-ups.

-remembering random sports trivia. I don't know why I'm good at this, but I am.

-kicking ass. Because someone has to be.

Everyone loves a witty son of a bitch, but it's a lot like telling people you're funny: show me, don't tell me, that you're a witty mofo. The rest is not particularly stand-out, but it isn't going to send anyone running. For the record, in person, on a date with a non-sports-fan, sports trivia is the dullest fuckin' thing you could possibly talk about. I figure you know that, but I'm just making sure, because, well, Internet.

The first things people usually notice about me
From a personality standpoint: my sarcastic replies, and my "high-falutin'" way of talking.

From a physical standpoint: my gangliness.

high-falutin'? Really? I'm not 100% sure what you're saying here, but if you ever try to chat up a girl and say something that brings to mind a top-hat and monocle, I will find out and I will slap you, because that is some goony, chick repellent bullshit. Insisting on using ten-dollar SAT words is just as bad. You're witty, right? Remember, brevity is the soul of wit, so be brief.

If that's not what you meant by "high-falutin'", for the love of God, keep it that way.

Also, there has to be a better adjective for your body than "gangly". Are you tall? Say that. Find something positive to say about your Ichabod Crane physique.

My favorite books, movies, music, and food:
Books: Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy, Good Omens, Batman comics, Pearls Before Swine

Movies: Batman Begins, The Dark Knight, V For Vendetta, Hot Fuzz, Superbad, Slingblade, Blazing Saddles, Alien, Aliens, Predator, Pulp Fiction, Reservoir Dogs

Music: Metallica, Pantera, System Of A Down, Rage Against The Machine, Megadeth, Dethklok

TV: Arrested Development, The Venture Bros., Harvey Birdman: Attorney At Law, Scrubs, South Park

Good. A few items per category, no wall of text, Dethklok rules.

The six things I could never do without:
1. Comedy; 2. Robots; 3. Beer; 4. Sweets; 5. Video Games; 6. The Devil's music

Good, varied list. Probably true without being boring, not the same stupid shit everyone else lists. I am angry that I can't find something angry to say about this, so fuck you.

On a typical Friday night I am
inviting the gang over for a night of drinks and video games (Mario Kart and Smash Bros. being the usual games of choice). Sometimes I mix it up by heading to another's place for the same stuff at a different venue. I'm also up for concerts, bars, and movies.

"at home playing video games" probably isn't the sexiest thing you could have answered with, but you've got it sounding like a social activity, with friends and drinking. "Demented and sad, but social", as the late John Hughes put it. I'd probably have less details about exactly what games were getting played, but that's because I'm 30 years old guy and slightly ashamed of sometimes liking video games, so that's entirely your choice. It's no biggie either way.

The most private thing I’m willing to admit here
I have no qualms about watching children's cartoons.

Not a bad confession. Anyone who seriously gives you shit for liking cartoons is probably a stupid ho, and you can tell her Nate said so.

You should message me if:
you're cool, and want to meet someone like yourself.

Pretty standard, not really all that interesting. If she's gotten this far and likes what she sees, it's not going to dissuade her, but I think it's a sqaundered opportunity to actually give her a reason to talk to you. Here are a bunch of the things I have suggested for this section, in the past. Most of them probably don't apply to you, but you get the idea:

You should message me if:
If you want to pit your robots against mine in a battle to the death.
If you wanna talk about space and shit.
If you wanna let me perform a 1-man raid on your dungeon.
if you change your mind, I'm the first in line. Honey I'm still free; take a chance on me.
If you need me, let me know, gonna be around.
If you've got no place to go, if you're feeling down.
If you're all alone when the pretty birds have flown.
If you think you can beat me at drunken Scrabble
If you're a terrible bowler, like me, but you don't care, like me.
If you don't think a man in a cowboy hat can make a baked ziti.
If you believe in fairies.
If you kick ass, figuratively or otherwise.

You can do anything with it. Suggest date activities, tell the reader what kind of lady you're looking for, quote ABBA. Sky's the limit.

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How about you, jerkoff? Got an OKCupid profile? Want me to tell you that it sucks, with a BAC well over the legal limit? Post a link to it in the comments or shoot me an email, and I'll get to it.

And here's all of my collected drunken love advice so far.