Aries (March 21-April 19):
You will find that your fishtank is in need of attention. I suggest taking a look at the pump first.
Taurus (April 20-May 20):
You will meet a mysterious stranger this week, and then he will steal your car at gunpoint. You might want to try a different route to work on Monday.
Gemini (May 21-June 21):
Your girlfriend is seeing someone behind your back. It's that guy with the mustache.
No, he's not really gay.
Yeah, I know, it's a really gay mustache, but that doesn't change the fact that he's
definitely hitting that.
Cancer (June 22-July 22):
- 2% milk
- cereal
- onions
- AA batteries
- peanut butter (crunchy, we still have plenty of the creamy)
- Astroglide
- handcuffs
- cottage cheese
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22):
Don't put that in your mouth. No,
don't, I said.
You are so disgusting.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22):
That really is an impressive set of genitals you have there. Don't look now, there's nothing you need to worry about--I'm just saying. Doubly so if your name rhymes with "bnate" Go get 'em, tiger.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23):
You will have a challenge to overcome at work this week-- step up and meet it head on. Tell that fatty Jenna that you'll slash her tires if she doesn't get her nose out of your business with Felipe-- She will discover a newfound respect for you, and maybe stop stealing all the orange M&M's out of that ugly-ass bowl on your desk. I certainly hope your kid made that in ceramics class, because it looks like you're trying to hide a pile of vomit by covering it with delicious candy.
Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21):
Snape kills Dumbledore.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21):
Nedroid.com. You're welcome.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19):
I know the results don't come in until Tuesday, but I just wanted to let you know. I'm sorry, Bill, you're HIV positive. I'm going to also recommend going to
Nedroid.com--it might not make the AIDS go away (or maybe it will, who knows), but you'll feel better anyway.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18):
Your neighbor may come over to borrow something today. It's sugar, and you left it behind that gigantic sack of rice. By the way, when did you think you were ever going to eat that much rice without the help of an entire family of Asians?
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20):
It's always a good time to move forward. This is not figurative. The light has been green for 4 seconds already, and you're holding people up who are trying to get somewhere. Asshole.
